Today's been a rather short day.

Woke up late but I didn't want to be late after arriving 1.5 hours after the class started yesterday, so I cabbed to Bugis, thinking it'd be faster. Apparently not. The place was hecking jammed up due to those Thaipusam activities, and I got stuck there for God knows how long. Its like paying 15 bucks to be late all the same.

2nd day of crashcourse. When they finally got to the essays I got more energetic (or maybe it was cause of the lemon drink I bought). I'm an Arts student afterall, skills to comprehension don't interest me at all, as useful as they must be. So today marks the end of the two-day course and the lecturer must be one of the best I've ever seen. I should be needing more of econs and maths tuition though.


HaoJing, Youjin, Gordon and I went down to bugis for a few games of pool after class, guess I didn't want to get home so early. They were being really patient (especially the teaching), so thanks alot! I did wonder if they minded me there though. People who are like that never fail to make me feel like killing myself for being an impatient brat sometimes.

So in total this is my 3rd time playing, the first time was from scratch (and I must mention again that Kenneth and Ivan were being so patient too it made me feel glad but guilty at the same time), 2nd time from my brother who taught me about aiming, angles and the physics behind it. (he was too nice and made me feel the most guilty LOL) 3rd time's from today where I practised abit of backhand (whatever you call it), correct posture, where to hit the ball and observed some zai skills. I'm itching to play more!!!

Did crap at home.


Alright that's all there is, there isn't anymore. (cues in tune). Anybody knows that cartoon called madeline?

TIRING DAY
been out from morning till night.

1) Camp Aspire (make-up) in the morning which wasn't too exciting. Lots more to be done for cca though, especially for myself. Think I'm really too easily distracted to be focused on a task something's gotta be done for that. Next up - band camp.

Anyway, the talk was supposed to start at 7:50/8:00 but I only woke up at 7:20 cause I fell asleep right after dinner the night before and forgot to get my mom to wake me up. So I managed to bathe and cab to school by 8:10. Shall not elaborate on the course itself.


2) SOT crash course in the afternoon at NAFA campus for 6 hours. I was late for 1.5 hours due to the dragging of camp aspire :/ The teacher was really good though, its a wonder how he managed to memorise 6 hours' worth of stuff. It was quite useful.

There were a few more sr people who attended the crash course too, Kwok Meang Gordon HaoJing Sylvester Youjin (who takes my bus) and another girl! Its funny how we kept chionging to sunshine plaza for wantonmee/muffins/chicken pies during the short breaks (Y)


3) Had dinner at Cathay Aston's with the few SR /SOT dudes (after queuing for a long while), Lemon Lime chicken's gooood. & I kinda feel like a slacker now so I did a little work at night and will do the same. HAH!


4) met up with ashley (& abit of kaiying) at teadot for awhile and had our usual frappe till it closed at 11 plus. We almost got trapped at Tampines 1 HAHA. Just realised the last time we met was last friday for drinks :( I'll try to meet up with you guys more often on weekdays or something for studying to make up for last year!



Libera boys choir - Bach (air)

Got this from Jemimah's blog :D Bach's air is one of my favourite classical pieces, esp the one on G string cause it never fails to calm me down whenever I'm feeling nervous.



Libera Boys Choir - (Caccini's) Ave Maria

I like Caccini's Ave Maria best, though Bach's one is nice too.


Neh I apologize for yet another boring post, photos soon.

:D Lessons learnt from an emotional turmoil

Now that I'm asking for any form of relief, I want a hug
I want to talk to someone over the phone. Anybody who's willing to and can make me feel better. If that ever happens I might just pour everything out for 6 hours about life in general. It sucks. Too bad it won't ever happen.

Its fine I must still stay strong.

It wasn't my initial plan to even go back today, but I guess I would and smile till the night is near. For whatever reason. Just makes me feel strong, not cause I'm happy already.


{edit}
I'm feeling better without having to talk to anybody :D


Happiness is something that we decide ourselves.
picture credited to Adila on DA

My idea of not talking to others about my unhappiness sometimes stems from this; happiness is something nobody can dictate to us so the extent to which they can really help us is limited - you are the only one who can help yourself.



YOU ARE IN CONTROL (coming from an exhibit in 8Q)
This phrase impacted me alot for the past few months.


People may say things to cheer you up, it may make you feel better - but ultimately, the change in perception has to be made on your own accord.

Don't we all experience it? After whining to somebody you'll only feel "much better" as there is one more person on earth that you know will understand you (esp when you are facing a situation of being misunderstood). However, that's all it does.

Sometimes, I also feel that reading stories about strangers or the view point of others cheers me up much more than just telling others about my woes. The only role of that is to release the stress in you, not to make you happier.

Therefore, the next time somebody wants a listening ear, I will try hard not to give advice (always attempt to do that cause I really want to help) but to really listen and try to make him/her stronger by telling the truth.


Here's something I read:
Aristotle's perspective on Happiness



Don't get me mistaken, I've not forgotten about what saddened me yesterday, and I don't think I ever will. (because I haven't forgotten stuff of the past years, they still haunt me.) I survive on my current dose of happiness to forget the past.

But that's what they call "moving on", ain't it? Yes, I might have missed out on opportunities, or I might have done something wrong such that the nice stuff in the past won't happen ever again.


Self-help is the most wonderful thing.
Why do I even bother feeling sad about having nobody to "whine" to?

I'd like to believe I'm getting stronger everytime,
from the rate of recovery each time.

I'm energetic now, ready to face the world with smiles.

I'll try my best to get over it,
but stop reeling me in if you want to cut the string in the end.
Hurts me.

Love,
Emma

{/edit}


Typed all these in the afternoon before I went back to school (yeah, gave school a miss in the morning), that's why I was so happy in school today :D Let the inspiration flowwww!

Look away

There must be more than a hundred posts being saved as drafts here.

Now I can safely conclude there isn't anybody I can turn to. Now's the time where you can hurl all sorts of horrible truths about me without me getting upset cause I want to know what they are. Suddenly recalled a few instances where people tried to help me talk things out but I refused to speak to nobody but my blog even though it doesn't give an answer. That's why nobody continued trying?

My body's drained of energy.


Chicago - Look away
where did the original MV go? :'(

If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to sayyyy,
look away, baby, look awayyyy.
don't look at me,
I don't want you to see me this wayyyyyy.


Today's theme song.

Is it really true that others' lives are better than mine, why can't I find anything to be happy about? Everytime I read others' blogs, I feel as though life's horrible. Every single person is drifting away, school is horrendous, work is stressful and things still hurt.

If that's the case, then how do others who are more unfortunate than me find the strength? I said I'll be strong but I'm not strong enough. There must be some problem with the way I deal with people and things, or else history wouldn't have repeated itself. (Yes, it did)

I won't bend, I won't break.

家

Its only during these situations that you find out who loves you the most. & its always going to be your family no matter what.

I didn't tell anybody how stressed I was (or what were causing it), but my mom was being so supportive it touched me. & she didn't even know why. Many things stress me out.


It breaks my heart to see somebody I love heartbroken. It was only a tear or two for myself on the bus. Or maybe its because of how it intensifies everything. Tell me if there is anything I can do, I'd be more than willing to help in any possible way.

Just got something answered

Now you won't have to wonder why.

There's a reason why most people own a tumblr besides their blog, it feels much more secure and secretive that way. & it speaks all true your feelings when you're far too tired to analyse your own.

Three different places for different moods, I'm in the mood for posting-tumblr-pics-on-blogger. Feels as though you're letting go of your secrets in attempt to make yourself better. Just that you aren't, you want to let go, but don't want to.

I wonder who's reading?

Kor tell me you'll be fine. If you're tired you can always come back home! I won't stay in school till late at night if you do! :)

I cried for the first time this year, because I know I wouldn't lie to myself any longer. Still, I'll be strong and not complain. I'll solve my own problems. Things will always unfold by itself. Its just not me to talk about problems much. I'll take everything and move on.

Only today, I realised how two people on earth must've felt. Humans really won't fully understand the feelings of others until they experience it themselves. & when you find someone going through the same thing the emotions just gets more intense.

Perhaps my coursework is taking shape, though the idea is not perfect and not as impactful as I imagined it to be. Tomorrow'll be a hectic day but I'll try my best not to skip. Stay strong and face the consequences. Sorry I hurt your pride.


But everytime I read it, it makes me feel like crying all over again. Its as though I'm feeling the pain myself.



The music that I'll always and forever be lost in.

Eyes are damn bloody painful from the 2 hours of sleep yesterday.

Didn't doze off during maths lecture cause indices are interesting! Somebody said I look very 'stoned' again today (when I asked if it also meant 'emo' the answer was yes. Sadly.) It just so happens that I seem scary/sad whenever I'm not smiling :( Its mostly cause I'm tired, cause there's nothing much to care about anymore.

COURSEWORK, WHAT TO DO???

Kinda stressed out about work actually. Sorry I'm ranting AGAIN.

Ideas for coursework, come to me baby. I need it to be something I'd be proud of!


Ohyes, I had a fantastic day in school today :D

Woke up feeling really high and happy, a nice way to start school heh. Wilson and I made a bet about falling asleep during geog lectures so I got a bowl of noodles from him for not falling asleep HAHA.

The long breaks passed by so quickly today! Kitty, Tania, Jeslin, Clifford, Priscilia and I had sucha great laugh during lunch break with all the bottle smashing, expressions and actions HAHA. I still can't find any resemblence between me and Edna, besides the specs.

Lessons pass by more quickly when you're not falling asleep, that's a nice point to note. The timeline for coursework gives me some kind of positive stress.

What to do for coursework?

So I took down that little "fantasy" post (as what yh calls it) in the middle of school today cause I thought things were alright. I'm confused about what's happening can one of you tell me??

Well, I've got no time to waste. "wasted" some time on the piano in school today so I'm not going to bring my scores back anymore, I think. Gotta give and take, if I wanna play then I shouldn't stay in school to study. Vice versa.

The first deadline for coursework is a week away, I need to work on my maths, my geography shouldn't go downhill, and econs shouldn't be ignored. God bless me with the coursework ideas, I'm a little lost right now and I really want to do something meaningful.


It dawned upon me that there isn't time AT ALL. I'll pretend to be fine about everything and laugh it all off. Actually I'm just faking it. Nah, won't post anything here, I know how I'm feeling and dont' want anybody to know. I'll keep my mouth shut in the future. Bye now.

As I'm filling up my reflection form the VCW, it made me realise that there's so much that I need to do. I know perfectly what I'm not doing right, but I'm not actually correcting those mistakes due to the lack of discipline. What can I try to do differently?

♥

Heartbreaks and relationships? I know nothing of those but it seems like a scary world out there. Okay, maybe 'heartbreaks', depending on what you define it as but definitely not relationships. Sometimes I think about stupid stuff, wondering if I'll ever get married, and if its really possible to marry your first true love (I mean those both sided ones), or when I'll have kids, or when I'll meet my future boyfriend.

They all sound kinda surreal don't they, I did worry about staying single for the rest of my life cause that would suck, and there was once where I worried about breaking up with somebody I've been together with for more than 6 years and suddenly breaking up (and not being able to find somebody else after that). Kinda LOL right.


Really random considering I'm doing geography, but I read stuff and decided to pen these thoughts down as part of the mental note to my 21-year-old self. I wonder how life would be like when I'm 21.

Hence I'll still abide to this list of stuff I'll look for in Someone:

#1 common interests (like music) mindsets, personalities, goals
#2 He must be able to reflect and constantly seek improvement
#3 Trust in each other and he must be honest around me
#4 good (& plentiful) communication and support for each other
#5 understanding, accepting and helpful person with little temper



Cause if something's true, I feel like hugging somebody right now.

you'll be fine, you'll be fine. Everything turns out fine in the end. I'm not giving any looks of disapproval by typing this out, but these thoughts came to my mind and I sincerely hope things would be fine, no matter how it'll turn out. Guess I'll keep myself updated.

Some things cost more than you realise.

Radiohead - All I need

They showed us this video during geography lecture - notice the link between the two boys in the video?

I also think some actions and gestures mean much more than you think, and that sometimes we don't realise how much people have done for us such that we get unappreciative.


Regarding the lyrics, Thom Yorke has a way with words and interpretations so they get abit unclear for me sometimes. Do check out the "fake plastic trees" though, its got a clear message.

For now, its work or I'm dead after the hours of procrastination.

Radiohead - Creep

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...



well sometimes I really do feel that way.

Maybe I'm just a lousy conversationalist.

My classmate once told me there's nothing wrong with friends who "come and go" cause all you need is to have fun at the moment. I disagree. All I ever wanted was a mutual BFF thing.

Translated, a sense of belonging. Right now I'm really just hopping around and having nothing in the end. Seems kinda fun at first but it isn't at all. I can only count the ones who mean much to me, but not the ones who need me or take me as a close friend. Because I realised a few I cherish really see me disappearing from their lives.



"you're mulling over such childish issues?" might be a remark I'd make a few years later, but not to me at the moment.

yeah... we all have our dreams.

Yesterday once more

When I was young
I'd listened to the radio
Waitin' for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile

Those were such happy times
And not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again
Just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well

(*) Every Sha-la-la-la
Every Wo-wo-wo
Still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they're starting to sing
So fine

When they get to the part
Where he's breakin' her heart
It can really make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more


Lookin' back on how it was
In years gone by
And the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed

It was songs of love that
I would sing to then
And I'd memorize each word
Those old melodies
Still sound so good to me
As they melt the years away

Repeat (*)

All my best memories
Come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more

Repeat (*)

I remember the carpenters.

I just read something from jas and yh. Must try to make myself think of nothing but work! (never happened before but I must try!) get out get in get out get in get out get in!

My dad's going back to hk AGAIN (he just stayed for 1 plus day?). Was kinda touched when I woke up with a jasmine scent - they bought jasmine flower buds for me from the market cause they knew I like it alot. Its been short but I can tell they're trying much harder to maintain a good relationship with me. Hope I'll be able to work towards that too :]

I know I keep using the phrase "I appreciate it", but it doesn't mean it means less everytime I say it. The problem lies in the fact that I don't put in enough effort to SHOW I really appreciate, and I'm learning how to.


"dammit im mad" spelt backwards is still "dammit im mad"!

PHOTOS FROM YESTERDAY'S CONCERT ON FB!

On the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided
To create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue


This phrase is quite enchanting don't you think?

I like how the carpenters managed to keep the songs so light-hearted even though the lyrics aren't saying the same. I'm referring to the other songs.

The past few days have been pretty eventful;

Kaiying, Ash and I travelled to the old NAFA campus yesterday and had our first taste of adulthood? (nah, not really) Wasn't an experience too great on the way home but I'm still looking forward to our Timbre trip! (yes, we got lost and didn't manage to find Timbre wth HAHA)

Called a cab down to bugis cause it got pretty late and we'd never survive walking down that hill at that hour in that state. Yeah, its close to the Istana and that place is scary. I still kinda miss going for art classes there till they shifted to the new bugis campus when I was in primary 6!

The ambience was pretty good, with the candlelights and the night sky right above your head. The only thing lacking was a jazz band and the food were served in really tiny portions but nobody's asking for big portions anyway. Idk, sitting there kinda makes you forget about your worries for awhile. Or maybe cause I was really spouting stuff. (nah, I certainly wasn't!)

Too bad the rest of the girls couldn't go, we're still gonna have the friday fortnight thing okay! Perhaps some other cool place next time!



Oh, it was kinda fun staying back after school cause I got crazy with a few people AND still managed to do work :D The afternoon wasn't that great thanks to my wonderful imagination (or maybe its a fact, not my imagination) that kept me pondering about some stuff for a long while - it pulled the smile away from my face.

Well, I got myself to stop drowning myself in thoughts and the day got better from there.

Today

Went around with my classmates for VCW (flag raising) today and it was hell tiring. Hafiz, Hanan and I got quite alot from the friendly residents around the Kovan area at first; repeating "Hello, would you like to donate for the Friends of the disabled organisation?" and "thanks so much, have a nice day" and "would you like a sticker" doesn't sound as boring when you can actually find so many nice people who are willing to put coins/notes in.

Tania, Faith and I then went to dhoby since the collection point was there. Tania decided to station herself near the traffic lights while Faith & I walked FROM DHOBY TO ORCHARD (like, ion) and BACK TO DHOBY. Freaking exhausting. This lady gave me 10 bucks though! These two aussie guys who asked us for directions (Faith knew) gave her 2 bucks and an aussie coin for me! We're all gonna give students donations when they ask next time after such an experience!

look what they did to my tin? LOL
(lucky i managed to poke a hole through the coin slot)

Lunched with Tanny (the crazy) and fiz at PS and we went home! (Ice Kachang is gooood) Fell asleep towards the end of our journey after the talk about accents LOL.



Will be going for AHS band concert with terie later! :]

Hello world, its been a rather great day! I'm obviously feeling much better compared to yesterday, had a great laugh during lunch when a few of us started listening to/telling jokes.

Kinda fell asleep during some lessons as I was far too tired from a late night yesterday, thanks Kenneth for listening to me rant/trying to cheer me up btw! So I reached school late and got caught for my hair at the same time. Not much 'bout that!

The day didn't progress as well as I thought it would until after lunch, when I realised I shouldn't spend so much time moping around, at least acting happy might do the job for awhile.


Haha look at the photo that's linette and I with the same hairstyle (sarah's) and the same hairclip/velcro thingy! Cool no? Uh-huh that was after lunch with our joke-telling session and Hafiz was being as slow as ever :D "omg I didn't notice the ball was coming closer and closer to me until it hit me!" took 5 mins or sth LOL.


Was supposed to meet Emily to study then but I wasn't in the mood to study so I went down later and Ivan was there too. (That was when the three of us plus jeremy LEARNT A NEW IMPORTANT SKILL and got high around the school. Emily and I then headed to cheers (LIKE THE OLD TIMES) to get our icelollies and snacks before band.

Band was fine, I guess. Just that I got nervous and couldn't play the high high Bflat in front of everybody, it was a little embarrassing for me. (okay I swear I'm gonna force myself to play even with people looking) EXCO meeting after band was suuuuperrrrr long and I've been put in charge of decorating and making the sandwich boards for CCA day for the J1s.


Stayed in school with the usual people - Stephanie Ivan Yao (plus the two secret ones) to study but it was quite late by then and we weren't in the mood so Yao and I had a duet on the piano and clarinet!!!! Serenade and moonlight sonata are great songs, feel SO good after playing. Steph plus the other two left early and we stayed for awhile more.

Ivan Yao & Jonathan went to the fitness corner for some pull-ups (and I did some hanging thing), and by the time we left THE SCHOOL GATES WERE CLOSED. COOLSHIT. WE CLIMBED THE SCHOOL GATE (I got a little help haha thanks). Like, I've ALWAYS wanted to do that for 1000 years and finally got the chance! :D


& then we walked to the bus stop and went home, end of story. Somehow my day didn't sound as nice and interesting right here but that's fine cause I liked it anyway! :D

Feel just like how you felt, just that you aren't anymore

Its like losing alot of stuff around you - all in one go.

Want to sit there for hours and watch the trains go by, want time to stop and rewind.

But my greatest wish is for me to not care about myself at all. It sounds funny, but it would actually help alot, i think.

I've hit an all-time low.

WHAT IS THIS. FEELING OF. DEPRESSION.

Sorry this isn't nice to read, but I'm seriously feeling lousy right now.

The Corrs - Everybody hurts

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on

Don't let yourself go
Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
(When your day is night alone)
Hold on, hold on
(If you feel like letting go)
Hold on
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on

Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
When you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you're not alone

If you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
To hang on

Well, everybody hurts
Sometimes, everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

And everybody hurts
Sometimes

So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
(Everybody hurts
You are not alone)

Reflections

I haven't met my resolution of reflecting daily.

Now that I'm reminded of it again, I shall put it to the test.


As the numbers get smaller near the countdown,
all we really need is some optimism and support from others
(and try to be the support for them too)


(steph's reflection must be somewhere on some mirror tile)


we'll all get through them like the O's!
(anybody up for some pillow fight soon?)

Am quite glad that stuff went in during lectures today cause I didn't fall asleep :) Cheers to a better year ahead?




and thank God for the past year. There were the ups and downs, at least I had my friends, the chance to go overseas and learnt more about myself.

I miss things. Many, many things.

First and foremost, the photo ain't an expression about lesbianism or love. I just kinda like it on this particular night, that is all.

I seem to like the photos from that particular assignment alot. Unplanned, but there's still meaning you can draw from it. The thought of having to do so much preparation for a final piece irks me a little. Especially with my mind in such a state.

Is it wrong to keep talking about the past, keep wanting for the past to return, and feeling disappointed when it doesn't?

I hope Friday'll happen. I hope the weekends'll happen. I hope I'll keep to my promises. I hope I won't disappoint anyone or make anybody sad. I hope I'll be able to think of others more often. I hope we'll all be happy. I hope I'll be able to make the people aorund me happy. That's all it takes for me to be happy.

Lyrics appear miraculously in front of you when you're feeling so deranged, forlorn, or maybe void of emotions sometimes.

I was awake for the whole of today, had high hopes and dreamt of soaring but the flame in me died after awhile - I didn't know what I was doing. In this school, with my books, the restless thoughts, those expectations, the people around me, the words I say.

Nothing feels real. We're all like the streetlight people, living just to find emotion.

Suffering from Monday blues, looking forward to the day where I can go "TGIF!!!" again. Aren't we all? :]

Hopefully there'll still be Friday to look forward to, and the Ahsband concert on Saturday, where I'll finally be seeing Terie!

Its miraculous how we always manage to find song lyrics that suit our mood whenever we are down. The thing is, we want others to cheer us up when we're feeling down, but we like songs that describe our current feelings (esp bad ones) so we know we're not alone. At least that's what I feel.



Posted on the other place. Safe and sound like a personal diary so I'm able to rant and pen down my thoughts however I want without having aching hands from writing with a pen.

Things have changed, haven't they? :[

feeling very insignificant today.

(okay, why the hell does it appear upside-down after uploading?)

That's my flute (okay the school's), wallet, camera, CK7s, external harddrive, iTouch, Ipod nano, thumbdrive. The piano, my bag and loads of other stuff too hahah :]


To add on to my collection of black items which I love/need, I got a new itouch casing yesterday (its black at the back), some parts are left "unprotected", leaving a silver lining all around the iTouch.

The exact reason why I wanted a new casing was cause the sleek design of the iTouch's meant for me to admire anyway. (Best to leave it case/cover-less but it gets so easily scratched I'd rather not take the risk) I've gotta be extra careful with it though, or else it wouldn't be nice once the top and bottom get scratched.



So I spent alot of time admiring it like while studying, and studying was a flop yesterday btw. Ended up talking and talking at Tampines BK. (Still love that place alot though)

Basically, I kinda chatted my day away yesterday with two different people, it involved walking approx 20 + rounds around the same place (or was it more) in the early afternoon and BK later on as I've mentioned. Fastfood chains are so great, I know I can do work there if I want to (tried and tested)

The morning's econs test was horrible cause I was too tired and fell asleep for the DRQ. Next test up, more studying and rest. Studying in school with the usual people was really productive after band on friday though! :D



Alright, gotta go off now, a few random photos:

the stuff I have in the front compartment of my bag LOL


miss K gave us notes and sweets from Japan!


one side of my paintbrush


the flipside.

be back for more? haha.

Forgot to add that outdoor PE at pasirris part yesterday (wednesday) was pretty fun, especially the game where we had to spin around with a floorball stick for 10 rounds at the beach, a few people actually fell into the see while alot fell onto the ground and all, entertaining and embarrassing at the same time haha.

Been busy with other stuff so I dont' have the time to blog yet, seeyou another day.

Stress can be managed and I will be strong!

I broke a promise to myself. It feels terrible to still be stuck in that vicious cycle when you've tried to break it but you're unable to cause you're too tired physically. How do I force myself to stay awake, and how would I be able to get more rest if there's so much I have to work on? (to make up for my past mistakes)

I must make the days count. I might break a promise once, or twice, but not thrice. It shall be a goal I set for myself. We all make mistakes, and I shouldn't be afraid to make promises just because I couldn't meet it for the first few times. Because if I never do, there'll be nothing I will achieve in life.

I've been far too afraid to make promises such that I dont' take them seriously, now I must. I shouldn't fear these strong words: MUST, WILL. I know I haven't been sticking to them, just because the past few times didn't count doesn't mean there isn't a chance of me changing right?

I must face the consequences of my past actions no matter what. Even if I'm tired, or stressed or whatever. Must try to plan my time properly so I can get enough energy. Discipline, Emma, discipline. I have to be responsible as every little wrong deed might cause unimaginable damage.

Death is not to be feared, Life is not to be feared. Mistakes neither.
I've gotta face it and I will. Will not make a mistake more than thrice.

I'm terribly stressed but that's fine if it helps me improve. Didn't realise how stressed I was until I saw the symptoms, and its all my fault for procrastinating and screwing up my own life. For being the perfectionist, for doing whatever I like all the time.



Thankyou (you!) for teaching me that yesterday, I don't know if I'm able to help much since I don't even have control over my own life yet (I will work towards that), but I'll always be willing to lend you a listening ear (: Stay strong, and the past will only remain as the past. Its your life, not others', you are in control and you can do that well once you have a start! Jiayou!

& to my other friend whom I always call whenever I'm stressed or on the verge of breaking down, I thankyou from the bottom of my heart, for all the things you've done for me in the past. We may not know each other as well now, but it helps to know there's always somebody there for me. Sorry for not being able to help you much either, I'll do the best I can if there's anything in the future. Thanks girl (:



"how can you expect to help others when you don't even have control over your own life?" Its just that I feel so bad about not being able to cheer my friends around me when they're down, but when I'm upset they always manage to make me feel better. Need to get a grip of myself, and not say "I didn't wish this happened, but it did!"

Alright what am I doing, back to work.

So much for keeping the promise. Its all my fault. I'm letting down everybody around me, including myself. I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle, I tried hard to break free yesterday by focusing on a better start by doing my work again, but ended up being too overwhelmed. My body couldn't take it either.

Its mostly art that's giving me stress, gotta stop being a bloody perfectionist and so irritated when I'm not achieving the desired outcome. Stop procrastinating cause of that! I know I'm not the only one either, and we all know what's the cause of this stress we get, actually. Can't help that, can we? Hang on too, Syairah!


I don't know what to do. I was so determined to start afresh. I was so determined to work my ass off to catch up with my work before starting on the new year's work. For once, my mind wasn't drifting away THAT much, BUT my body couldn't take it.

I've lost weight recently, lost my appetite, concentration span went down, memory's much worse than normal, and these are the things I've noticed even before I read up about stress. I never knew I was stressed since I was still able to get really high as usual.

Then I realized I've been really emotional and irritable too. Why do I not feel stressed at all when all the signs are showing? :O



Feel as though I've hit rock bottom now, because of the promise I made about not running away yesterday. That phrase was really impactful and I was seriously determined to not run away, to pull an all-nighter to finish up the stuff, bear with it for just a few days. I made a promise to not run away, but I broke it.

Was too tired in the morning, far too tired. Body's exhausted. The worst thing is, I didn't realise my friends might need to use the stuff I borrowed from them, and now they don't have it. I feel so irresponsible, never saw my absence coming, but still. Its been all my fault for the time-wasting.

Its as though the past is haunting me as much as I don't want it to.



I, Thanks for being firm about telling me to face the consequences of my actions. I might have failed this time, and the next two times, but after I make up for my mistakes slowly, I won't run away ever again. I thought about forcing myself to school, but I figured I'd be even more stressed. That isn't supposed to be a valid excuse since the whole point is to be able to face my fears and the consequences. I swear I was really determined to not break the promise yesterday, but my unconscious self in the morning destroyed everything.

My brother once told me, "of course you're unable to help others much when you're not even in control of your own life". I'll always be willing to provide a listening ear if that's the case. Though it'd be even nicer if I can quickly get control of my life too.


ky, I suppose you realised you're always the person I'd call whenever I feel stressed or sad or depressed, or on the verge of breaking down. Thanks for all those help the past few years, we may not know so much about each other now compared to the past, but I guess its enough for me to know someone will always be there. Thanks for planning my time during the O's period too. You're really one of my best friends I can ever ask for, might not be the other way round but I'm thankful to have met you.

Also, even though my parents are strangely not the ones who can change me and my mindset, I know they're genuinely concerned. & my brother's concern never fails to keep me happy either.

Feel so proud of my juniors!! :D I don't know why I felt soooo happy when Peixuan told me the results, felt like a mom at that moment (now I know how moms feel when you tell them your results) CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU!!!!

So our batch did worse than this batch.

The MSG improved to 11.17 this year. & zomg, mine was screwed up big time. At least I'm surviving SRJC! (that means no SR juniors for me this year? D:)


Cheers to a fresh new start for you guys,

I'm going to have to force myself to work this year too. FORCE YOURSELF EMMA FUNG. YOU GOTTA DO IT.

Start Today Tomorrow

GOOD LUCK TO THOSE WHO ARE GETTING THEIR O'LEVEL RESULTS TOMORROW!

& of course, us JC kids who are starting school tomorrrow GRR.

Sunshine's gone today!
No high and happy mood, idk why!



Anyway, I almost scooped paint up thinking it was rice,
and PUT MY PAINTBRUSH INTO MY CUP, thinking it was my water container.

That's what you'll get for eating breakfast, lunch and dinner in front of your sketchbook. Lucky I didn't drink that cup of icky water.

Back to my work. So screwed.



Youth Group - Start Today Tomorrow

Happened to chance upon this song while searching for this band, fell in love it the first time I heard it. (L)


So I'm back to searching for more great indie music.

Ohyes, download a few albums from Kings of Convenience, Eric Whitacre, Iron & Wine and Ani Difranco (still looking for "fire door") these few days. So in love with Eric Whitacre!

Frankly speaking, there isn't any particular genre of music I love - jazz, band, choral, pop, oldies, indie, classical, rock etc they're all awesome! Great music all the way :D



Tag replies

10jan
peixuan: haha. YAY WE'RE THE HAPPY MOLLY LOLLIES!
{HELLO MRS MOLLY PEIXUAN FOR TODAY! :D GOODLUCK FOR TOMORROW LOVEYOULOADS!}

syairah: haha yes im still reading babe. im left with the sketches rawr! ): i havent touched math AT ALL :D:D
{what happened to your blog babe! gosh how many are you left with???? ME NEITHER HAHAHAH. ECONS TOO LOL}

Jas: ex maid invite u guys to canada? she migrated over or is she working for sumone there?
{haha yeah, she migrated there, worked for someone a few years back and now she's with her family there! :D I want to go!! she even said I can stay at her place if I study in canada LOL!}

How the flute is made

No wonder they're so expensive. Gonna watch some on other instruments!

btw Eric Whitacre still wows me with his choral/band music.

Ah, back to the drawings.

Robert tiso on glass harp - Dance of the sugar plum fairy

FREAKING AMAZING!! the glass harp's made of many glasses? wow.


Air on g string! (one of my favourite classical pieces ever)

THANKS TO JAS PANG FOR INTRO-ing ME THIS! :D

(R) Molly Emma & (R) Molly Peixuan!

{edit}

LOL! we're taking turns to be MR and MRS
HAPPY MOLLY LOLLIES :D

{/edit}

same DP, same name, same PM hehe :D

GOODLUCK FOR YOUR O'LEVEL RESULTS, XUANEE!
I'm giving you all my luck on monday! :D

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Talking to kaikai now, feeling so happy all of a sudden hehehe. We're both happy people!!!! (cues in Happy People from bleach) YOU GUYS KNOW WHICH SONG NOT??


THIS ONE!!! the sec 2 days zomggggg.

that was when I loved hitsugaya and gaara (L) hahahah.


LETS GO BACK TO AHS SOON!!! @the girls/riane/xuanee/whoever.

OHYES THERE'S GONNA BE AHSBAND CONCERT SOON ANYWAY GOING WITH TERIE CHEN HAHHAA.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :D :D :D :D :D



Shall reply to tags now!! :D :D
(OMG I HAVEN'T REPLIED FOR ALMOST 2 MONTHS??)

12 nov
syairah: EM! its supposed to be when nadia + SYAIRAH arrived!
{I THOUGHT IT WAS CHEEN TOO HAHA! are you still reading this blog?? LOL}

17nov
peixuan: HI MAMA!!! JIAYOU FOR YOUR REEXAM KAY!!!! =) make sure you get enough rest. and there's something wrong with our blogskins! :X
{LOL THANKS THOUGH I ALREADY GOT PROMOTED. and yeah there's STILL something wrong with it :X sorry I'm sucha procrastinator maybe I'll find time to change it soon!!}

21nov
jeremy: u need to get a IE friendly skin man =D
{retard!! I bet you're not reading this already hahahah!}

25nov
gtgw: i want my pics!
{D:}

peixuan: hee yay our new blogskin!
{ahhhh soon! shall we make a collage too??}

27nov
anna: LOL i was watching american pie just now and i decided i dont like it haha
{HAHA I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT! its like a comedy or something right!}

28nov
peixuan: haha yay i saw you today! ^^
{THANKS FOR HELPING ME APPLY THE SCREENPROTECTOR HEE}

29nov
peixuan: eh where's that art exhibition? it's super cool leh. =D
{8Q its still there! :D}

Yi Ting: Emma, I love your latest post.
{just one mistake will change it all :/ PHUAYITING PLEASE PUT UP YOUR TAGBOARD AGAIN I WANT TO TAG ON YOUR BLOG!}

syairah: eh cool ****! i love the paranormal activity photos!!!
syairah: ah i forgot that the tagboard would censor the S.H.I.T word. kay there you go COOL S.H.I.T!!!
{COOLSHIT SYAI HAVE YOU FINISHED ART????}

1dec
peixuan: oh yay you got advanced to J2! haha. good good.
{heee :D}

2dec
peixuan: haha i want everything from japan! HOHOHO.
{YOUR STUFF ARE STILL WITH ME!!!!}

Steph: EMMA! YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR BLOGSKIN!!
{HI STEPH LOVE YOU! :D YOU CAN STILL VIEW IT EH! :D}

syairah: im really sad we wont be in the same class next year ): at least there's still art which will take up A LOT of time anyway get me something from japan!!! haha
{sorry for the late reply :( yup at least there's still art and you can still be my don't do homework lets rush buddy!! haha. YUP I GOT THEM FOR YOU!}

3dec
Yi Ting: WHAT!!? We're not in the same class anymore!!? D=
{:( I'll miss you, eating!! you and glenda!!!!!!!}

5dec
peixuan: i miss choir too.. ;X
{alot D: D: D:}

7dec
leongying: HI EMMS I MISS YOU
{HI LEONGYING I MISS YOU TOO!!! AND AHS AND EVERYTHING AND CHOIR!}

9dec
anna: tranatlancism is really different from gravity emma... lol i'll miss you enjoy yr japan trip!!:)
{hahaha it sounds similar SOMEHOW!!! enjoyed it, loads of good food omgoshh AND CUTE KIDS CUTE KIDS CUTE KIDS!!!}

peixuan: heyy. take care alright!
{haha I'm back safe and sound!!}

10dec
linette: Hi when you're back, link me up ok? i've linked u alr
{okay relinked! :D}

12dec
gtgw: dropped by
{HI GTG!}

14dec
terie: i just saw the picture of our foodstuffs for our movie lol!:D have fun oin japan!!!!!
{will be seeing you soon!! :D hahaha more movie marathons soon?? (ahh stupid J2 year) and thanks!}

15dec
gtgw: define soon!
{hmm!!}

18dec
peixuan: hey yay you're back now. i missed you. :X
{missed you at batam too! :D}

20dec
peixuan: heh your photos are so nice! the camera is really good too.
{haha yeah DSLR!! so nice haha I miss Japan!!!}

Kenneth: hahaha. I SEE STUART! and my future classmate. =X
{HAHA SAY HI TO HER! okay she's not reading this you're dota-ing!}

21dec
gtgw: looks like fun! i upload pics too
gtgw: and where are my pics ah!
{:X this is the third time you're asking hahah}

23dec
Kenneth: sounds like I unravenled some things about emma.
Kenneth: unraveled*
{and loads of other stuff too hahahahaa.}

25dec
Jas: emma, go youtube search for robert tiso. he has some amazing music with his glass harp. he played bach's air too
{yes omg its so amazing!! How does he make those sounds omg its like just rubbing on glasses :O AND HAHAHA AT THE BATAM PICTURE LOL!!!}

5jan
peixuan: well you can call me!
{okay! ^_^}

YINGZHI: hello emma! is your school's band having a concert this year? haha tell me if yall do!
{hey yingzhi!! I doubt we will, but I will if we do! TELL ME IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANY CONCERTS TOO K! :D you going for the AHS one?}

Jacqueline: Heya Emma, you all celebrated till wee morning on New Year's day ah? LOL!
{hahaha until 1 plus 2 :D YOU TOO RIGHT!}

6jan
sandra: relink me @ http://awakebynow.tumblr.com/
{kk! :D}

anna: YES TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILLYOU I MISSED THOSE TIMES!
{YES OMG MISSED THOSE TIMES SO MUCH!! esp that time where we kept talking about cartoons hahah! Miss the airport! D:}

9jan
peixuan: woah you blogged a lot today eh!
peixuan: i miss ahs too! let'schoir someday go back to
peixuan: *go back to choir someday!
{hahah YUP HAPPY HAPPY BOTH OF US WILL BE GOING BACK AS SENIORS HEE!!}

My (ex) maid called from Canada!!! Its nice to hear from her again, she's inviting us to go over to canada soon, but I'm not really sure when would that be. Even though we only had her for around 2 years when I was a baby back in Hong Kong, she still calls us every year and sends us photos and all, how nice eh. She was the one who taught me the alphabets and the numbers and songs and dances.

Feeling kinda excited :)

Hello I miss AHS

OMGOMG I FOUND CHUA-AY! (yes the one with the crazy soprano solo!) Somehow I think Christopher sang it better than the one in the recording. Or maybe that's cause its a memory and all, haha. What is this, I've been listening to all our choral pieces ever since Leongying tagged me in the video of us singing Credo in Quispiam Novus 2008. (I still remember its on 5th April 2008!)

We trained so hard for that concert, along with the dance steps for the musical and all. Gonna flip through my archives again haha :D The SYF 2007 pieces too, as I was listening to Kasar Mie La Gahi and Meplalian all the images of us in that warm-up room, and us screaming the hell outta ourselves after that GwH resurfaced.

I miss choir I miss choir I miss choir D:

Can anybody be nice enough to scan in the scores for the concert for me, I seem to have lost all of them! :( (besides ubi caritas)



ohright, I found this video too:


AHS National day parade 2008

Nostalgic much? Look for your own faces! I see Choir and 4L hahaha. I remember the Mas Selamat and Sang nila Utama song plus the lions Edmund & I drew and all our stupid actions and face painting and climbing into the classroom through the window.



3L slide show!


The 2D chinese news advertisement vids are in my com too!

GOSH I MISS AHS ALOT ALL OF A SUDDEN. IDK WHY.

Blogger doesn't allow people to privitise posts :(

Try finding me elsewhere, though you might not be able read 'em anyway haha. Suspense is great. The day's slightly better today.

Problems are like homework - they slowly build up and make you crumble all of a sudden but you'll manage to clear them eventually (if you put in the effort). The only difference is that other people can't help you with homework, but your problems can be shared.

Too bad I don't exactly like seeking help from others unless I really need to. That day was yesterday.

Messages won't get across clearly unless the person's thinking the way you are - thing is, they never will so.. just say whatever you're thinking. The situation'll change according to how they see it since you've already had your say.

You are in control.

Learn to let go a little - for the tighter you try to hold onto something, the more it'll slip away from your hands.

Stop wishing and waiting for the past to return, it never will. Things won't ever return to the past, things'll never be the same anymore, as much as you want them to be. They can only change for the better or for the worse, and there's no answer or way to something like that - you can only put in the effort, let things flow and see how they go.


Sometimes I wish things didn't turn out the way it did.

Gotta stop dwelling in the past, stop guessing what others are thinking. But I've got questions, what the hell is happening? Was it me? Or was it just time? what're you thinking? I'm totally clueless.

:O

The 6 hibiscus'04 gathering looked great, its a real pity I couldn't make it - traded it for a bad night would be a better phrase. Catching up with your old (old) mates must be so much fun :(

Well once again I owe it all to my brother who made things better. Maybe he's like an angel sent down from heaven, how much patience does he actually have? :O

I love my brother alot. Wonder how life'll be without him when he goes off to sweden next year for the exchange (but that's next year so I shan't worry about that yet). At least he'll know there'll be two girls who'll be missing him alot x100 haha :D & my parents of course.

Never knew I was feeling SO pressurized and stressed out about every damn thing until I talked to him on the ferry back to Singapore today. Friendships, work, family, self.. everything. I was the one who requested to sit next to him alone and asked, "Can I talk to you about some stuff?", for the first time ever. (really needed somebody more mature to talk things out with me and give some advice) It was supposed to be just about one particular issue but we went on to other stuff. The talk involved many pieces of tissues but it was well worth it - I'm feeling much better now.

Though the problems aren't solved yet as they all require me to take the initiative and change my mindset, it made me feel more ready. I keep saying he's like one of the best guys there can ever be on earth, but he really is. ♥

The ever-so-patient him taught me a few new skills for pool too, now I'm itching to play more :D I felt reallllly bad when he was so super patient & encouraging when I couldn't execute them too well yet. Makes me guilty for being such an impatient brat. (well, if it helps that I don't give myself chances either)



The trip to batam was a relaxing one :) Didn't get to go out to the city but spending time bowling, eating, pooling, playing cards was more than I could ask for.

& oh, my mom and I went for a wonderful massage :D Will write more about it soon, think we'll try out other resorts the next time round though.

Ferry-ing off to Batam from

tomorrow (thursday) morning (1210 at the ferry terminal),
will be back on Friday Afternoon! (4 plus)

I wouldn't say don't miss me too much, I know you people would probably be too busy rushing your homework to even care about just one missing person from your life innit?!

HAVE FUN CHIONG-ING!
(while I chiong even more when I get back)

Mental note to my 21-year-old self (part of it)

I would like to write a mental note to myself about writing a note to my 21-year-old self soon. This part talks about the current (and past) me and not the future me I want to be. I wanted it to be 18 at first, and then I realised I'm going to turn 18 in 6 months.

Okay wth I'm turning 18 in 6 months and 24 days?!

About time I stopped being some crazy girl who doesn't really act like a girl sometimes, about time I stopped being some inconsiderate (may I highlight inconsiderate) immature kid who always want things to go perfectly fine (and end up sacrificing her own sleep and affect others too), a person with enough concentration span to last her half an hour, a sensitive soul who thinks far too much about stupid things.

I wish there was more depth to my soul sometimes. I can see the waters evaporating from my 'ocean', I'm getting more shallow as the days go by. At least I was able to do some daily reflections last year and get insightful ideas while looking at things.

Now my mind's always a piece of blank paper (not in a good way), I got quite scared when I realised I couldn't interpretate some contemporary artworks well. My mind's been floating away quite often recently, I'm trying hard to get it back and I'm using songs to brainwash myself and perhaps understand somethings better.



Another thing to add on is that "wide Awake" by Making April means much to me due to some lame and stupid emotional turmoil. At this moment I feel like going "hahaha" to it but I'm still unable to do so. I don't know if its the music or the lyrics or anything that comes with it but yes, it means much.

"Too much Love will kill you" by Queen brings back some memories of the T1 airport, and also the time where a few of us started to talk about shows and cartoons for hours when we were supposed to be studying. (zomg its 17 june I read the archives!!) & then my stupidity. God, talk about how stupid I was for not studying for the O's (and now its so difficult to change)

"Don't stop believing" by Journey, the song for my long bus rides reminds me of loneliness and how I changed from a girl who despises being alone to one who actually enjoys it. Thanks to my wonderful timetable which is so different from all my classmates. Seriously, alone time feels great.

"Sleep" by Eric Whitacre, a choral piece, makes me miss the AHSChoir days so much. There were the good and bad times, but in terms of the music it always meant so much to me. It isn't the song that followed me throughout my entire choir journey but the beautiful music encapsulates everything.

"Fantasy on a Japanese folk song", a band piece, was the one that made me fell in love with band music after listening to it during a concert. It isn't my favourite piece now for there are loads more emotional or nicer pieces but it was the one that made me so determined to pick up a new instrument come JC.


There are a few more, but I ought to be doing other things now.

Remember the note to my 21-year-old self :)

Some great music to go along with the artworks:


Tchaikovsky - 1812 overture (used in V for Vendetta)

been putting this on repeat for today! ^



Norah Jones - The Story

City-builder on deviantart draws great watercolour landscape paintings. (He's just anybody like you and me, I think. Not an architect either.) Not saying he's the best cause there are like people who does even more amazing stuff but I happened to chance upon his drawings and decided to share them anyway.

Paintings full of details don't really interest me much normally cause the kind of drawings I like are like.. more impressionistic. But he's really quite good with the perspectives (look at the other works) and his attention to detail is jaw opening. God, look at the reflections bouncing off the streets.

Then I saw one artist I really liked on deviantart too: j-hicks

the below 5 are all by him. Nothing can describe how much I like those paintings of his, especially the first three. The blend of colours. Oh God how amazing.

This one's from my SAM trip last sunday, not say very impressionistic but that's one of my favouites from that exhibition.

A few more photos from SAM. (took alot but here's only a few,

I'm sure alot of people have seen this at SAM, saying how amazing it was. Its like this column of books with a mirror on the top and bottom so its like seeing a tunnel of books when you look up or down. I had to get a picture of it with myself in it.

Hellyes its a grand piano (decorated of course). & guess what, anybody can play on it so I happily positioned myself on the seat for quite some time playing Debussy pieces.

That was the thing that made my day, not so much of the artworks actually (I did appreciate the artworks much more after I played on it though). The day started out to be a pretty bad one but not after I saw it!

So people, you know what to do when I'm sad, just get me one! Steinway & Sons would do great hahaha.

No I wasn't closing my eyes, it isn't my fault that they're small and they look closed when I was looking down :( Eh there's a person staring?!

kthxbye back to search for more inspiration for the 18 sketches bloody hell. Okay shut up you procrastinator.